Hit the wall

Para la versión en Español, Pégale a la pared: http://shadyakarawiname.blogspot.com/2011/11/pegale-la-pared_25.html


Almost daily, we know new cases of men who abuse their wives. It has become a reality that is so close and tangible that it seems that we have become used to it. 

We have read in newspapers about a man, who broke his girlfriend´s lips, or another one who broke his partner´s pinkie or the executive who shot his wife, after beating her down.  It is then when I get conflicted and I can´t help but ask myself, when did we stop caring and seeing this as normal?

According to Elizabeth Castillo´s book, Feminicidio, 39% of women in Colombia are battered by their spouses. That alarming percentage is nearly half of Colombian women, which indicates that each of us probably know one or many living in this terrible situation. Through this investigation it was revealed that 8 million women in our country have suffered physical abuse by their partner. Only in the Department of Atlántico, between January and August 2008 there were 1616 cases of domestic violence.

In what does it consist that due to supposed jealousy, anger and pain some take the decision to harm the person with whom they share their lives? Why do some men see violence as the way to keep control of their wives and why do others choose to deal with all the negative emotions they are facing through a peaceful way? What is clear is that as human beings we all react differently to the situations that are presented to us. I assume, therefore, that the answer to my questions should be then a much deeper one.

What I understand even less are those women who let all these abuses keep going on. I know that diverse structural factors play an important role, a lack of self-esteem and countless emotional problems. Nevertheless, I find it heartbreaking that they cling fiercely to that unstoppable chain of abuses, mistreatments and disrespect.

I believe, without ever having had to face this kind of situations, that it must be unbearable and unlivable to sleep, literally, with the enemy. How do the days go by without knowing when it´s going to stop? How much do they have to keep accepting and enduring?

I remember the case of a woman from Barranquilla, who was terribly abused by her husband. Although she is not the only one who has been through it, she was lucky enough to be alive and had a new opportunity to break with the domestic violence she was facing. She had the unconditional support of her family, and she had been portrayed as a heroin and a model for other Colombian women who were living with a similar situation. She appeared in magazines and on television with a black eye. She made a public promise to never allow a similar situation to take place. Over time, she retired the charges against her husband and went back, once again, to live with him.

After that all I wanted to do was see this woman face to face in the streets of my city and ask her if she was aware of the immense damage she was doing to other Colombian women who had seen her as an example. Women from different ages, religions and social classes that saw in her the hope of changing their life conditions.

Obviously, later I understood that the one who had no right of anything was I. There was no point in making a victim responsible for others. I realized that even if this is a widespread problem in our country, each case is individual and that every woman is responsible for her own decisions. 

A great amount of people think that abuse is referring only to the one that leaves scars on the skin. The most concerning part is that which goes beyond the body. There are men who have never hit their partners, but, nevertheless, they constantly kill them with hurting phrases and indifference. Psychological and emotional wounds are scars even harder to heal, and they are the ones that remain for a longer time.

How many of them suffer the insults, the screaming and the discrimination? How many brilliant women are feeling dumb, unworthy and incapable because that is what their partners make them feel? They would never dare to admit they are also being abused because their wounds lie deep within and are not visible to the eyes.

Frequently I have heard that domestic violence is cultural. Some people in other regions of our country think that those that live in the Coast are more prone to it. That the costeños, due to their never ending machismo, are the only ones who batter their women. Reality is in fact very different. During 2007 in Bogota, there were 11,583 reports of women being abused by their partners. This gives a clear view that women from all over the country are being treated with violence.

The vast majority of them decide to hide their actual situation because they are terrified. They are scared that their children will get hurt, that they won´t have enough money, that they will be abused even more, that they won´t be able to live without him, that they will end up alone. They are even scared of finding someone even worse. According to Feminicidio, only 2 out of every 10 battered women dare to file a complaint.

We all must break with the indifference that is the scourge that hurts most. Every day we have to make this a more visible situation. We have to show the thousands of cases there are. We must do this, not with the purpose of establishing statistics, but to give a face to this painful and tangible reality. We have to continue promoting the diverse campaigns there exist worldwide and that show that women can be protected. That there are places where they can go for help, where they will receive unconditional support without being judged. We should reject publicly and vehemently any act of abuse that is committed so that is won´t be repeated ever again.

Men must understand that they don´t need to prove how machos they are with hitting or hateful words. They don´t need to hurt or yell. They should practice what I once heard in a song: hit the wall, but never hit a woman. I know there are millions of amazing men: dads, brothers, husbands, boyfriends, friends and neighbors that truly care and are concerned with the abusive situation many women they know are facing. They are capable of reacting and giving their helping hand to those who need it the most. These men are, without a doubt, the truest example of what an honorable man should be.

On our part, women must understand that we should never allow any kind of mistreatment. We should gain fortitude and confidence and learn our own value so that no one ever dares to even raise his voice at us. The ones that are already living this terrifying abuse situation have to shake up and gain strength. They must believe that they are not alone, that there are other people willing to help them, and nurture them and respect them. I invite these women to think about what is best for them, and to understand once and for all that hitting is not love.